Oh Eddie Murphy, what the fuck happened? Seriously, growing up as a kid I saw Beverly Hills Cop, 48 Hours, his comedy special and when I look back on all that, I shouldn’t have been watching cause he was pretty fucking vulgar. Actually, I watched those movies because they were awesome and he was a insanely funny back in the 80s. Now, Murphy is doing paycheck films like Pluto Nash and the one where he is inside of a life-size version of himself, like a cheap ripoff of Innerspace. Sigh, all I have left of his great comedic roles are from the 80s, one in particular that stands out is The Golden Child. A biting action comedy that has Eddie Murphy doing what he does best, which is being funny and scathing with his quick wit and rapid delivery of lines.
OH FUCK YEAH! 1985 was a fantastic time to be alive, shit I was born in 1985 and you know what else happened in 1985? COMMANDO! Arnold Schwarzenegger doing what he does best and that is spouting iconic one-liners and killing what is the equivalent of a small occupational army. I love 80′s action films, string thin story lines, awesome one-liners, continuity errors galore and most of all, one man killing machines! Commando is a man’s movie. If you can’t love this movie for what it is then turn in your man card and go wait in line to see Twilight or an equally girly movie.
*start 80′s action voice over*
Are you ready…to take a journey…with one man…who has nothing to lose? His friends were murdered…his only reason to live was taken from him….ridiculous pauses in between sentences…and now someone has to pay!
*end 80′s action voice over*
The movie is basically this for 90 minutes
Alright, lets get the plot out of the way since it will take two sentences. Arnold plays a character by the name of Matrix (bwahahaha) who has his daughter kidnapped by a group of mercenaries or something and they want him to carry out some assassination. Well Matrix doesn’t like that his daughter is being kidnapped and he proceeds to murder the population of an entire village of bad guys to get his daughter back. Done.
So now you have the standard 80′s action plot line set, now is time to fill the movie with action, exciting dialogue and Arnold being Arnold. This is the sort of popcorn movie that I love to turn my mind off and watch with great excitement. I am only going to talk about the highlights of this movie, so lets start with our hero and the villain.
John Matrix, former commando and loving father to a young Alyssa Milano. John Matrix just wants to live a life of solitude and forget about his killing ways. But when trouble comes knocking, Arnold suits up, gets his camouflage paint on (for what reason I don’t know since he is a giant of a man carrying a small gun store worth of equipment on him) and flexes his biceps in every scene. An unstoppable killing machine who leaves swathes of bad guys in his wake.
Now who could possibly stand up to this inhuman beast. What villain of equal proportion can go toe to toe with John Matrix. Bennett.
I will let you guess which one is supposed to be Matrixs equal
That’s right, the dude in chain mail tanktop with the arms of an out of shape high school gym student is supposed to be scary villain who can best Matrix. This has to be one of the most unbalanced hero/villain combination ever, almost as bad as John Lithgow and Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger. How is this guy supposed to be the top villain in this movie? But in 80′s action movie strides, the ensuing battle between Bennett and Matrix shows why you don’t fuck with Bennett.
The final confrontation has arguably the best death line ever. I don’t want to spoil it, but you must check it out.
Another thing I love about the movie is the constant barrage of one-liners. This movie has the best, nay, greatest collection of one-liners in a film ever. It’s like they took a book of action cliche lines and just put them into a script. Hell, I think it could use more one-liner because there are some scenes that don’t have dialogue in it.
Its time...to kill!
Have a beer, get drunk, watch this movie with friends and bask in the eternal glory that is Commando. Did I say that it is a great movie? Well, I LIED! It’s the best action movie ever.
